My marriage was a sham before it even began. My gut told me it was wrong but what was I to do? The wedding was planned, the guests invited and my parents had spent so much money on the affair. There are moments in life that you just go through silenced into belief. You push your shoulders back and trust that the Universe has a plan that makes sense for you. We are all trying to follow the best laid plans.
I cried huge alligator tears on my Rukhsati. This was now real and raw and I was entering a world that was vastly sad and empty. I could see the weight on my parent’s shoulders as they said goodbye to their eldest child. They had put heart and soul into this wedding. Invited hundreds from miles away and wanted to give me the very best of the best. What do you do in that situation?
You go forward.
Days later I cried myself to sleep in an ornate hotel room in Vegas. The honeymoon I had thought would be full of love and laughter was heavy with darkness. My dad called me on my cell phone with anticipation in his voice. “Beta are you okay”? I bit my lower lip and told him everything was fine in the brightest voice I could muster.
Even misery has a way of becoming comforting and in the months that passed I got used to this new normal. Angry words, sharp jabs and criticism became part of the fabric of my life. And as we all know it’s never ALL bad just a lurking sensation that it wasn’t nearly close to good.
But this blog isn’t about misery and it’s not about sadness.
It’s about stepping up as I did one frosty morning to reclaim who I was as a person.
The call came as if from the heavens above. A TV station wanted to hire me and wouldn’t you know it was 2 hours away from my darkness that I was living. I knew it was my ticket out and I was going to take it no matter what. Just as if God was intervening himself I took the job and moved to a new city.
There I was ME. I was so busy laughing, making new friends and loving my life that I forgot all about the marriage I was still in.
When the television station closed down and we were all without jobs I knew I could not go back to that dark house with the sadness in every room. I moved in with my parents and when the divorce papers finally came I cried alligator tears again. I was FREE yet boy was I scared.
God kept speaking to me and soon he decided I needed to move to Alaska when another job was available. ALASKA! I hopped on a plane with two suitcases, a head full of dreams and a semi bruised heart. From there the journey seems like it was laid for me. I moved up in the TV business rather quickly soon traveling to Oregon, Iowa and then Alabama where I was finally in my dream spot as the Main Anchor of a television station.
This sad, lost girl had achieved everything she ever wanted except love. Now I was 36 and while many men had come into my life here and there – not one had truly touched my soul. I would sometimes lay awake asking God for an answer. Why so much success in my career but none in my love life? I was not so scared of marriage anymore and dreamed of finding someone to spend my life with.
One day I logged onto an online dating site and met someone who seemed interesting. He lived in Atlanta which was not too far away and we agreed to meet up. I had zero expectations but I found myself drawn to this funny guy who made me laugh. In the months that followed we started to see each other more and more and I thought that God had finally given me both things I craved so badly in my life – Love and Career!
Then the Universe threw a wrench in my plans yet again. I got offered my DREAM job as a National Home shopping network host BUT it was in Minnesota! Miles and miles away from Sohail but close to my family and parents. I was at a crossroads and did not know what to do. I was angry that I seemed to always have to choose between my career dreams or finding a partner to spend my life with.
I thought long and hard about the decision and knew that I had to move forward with my life. If me and Sohail were going to work then we would find a way to be together. When I finally told him I was moving I braced myself for his reaction. He was silent for several minutes before he said very matter of fact, “Well, we will have to work this out won’t we? Because I can’t be without you.”
Just what I needed to hear.
Soon after he met my parents and his visits to Minnesota became more frequent. We decided to take a magical cruise vacation together and to my complete and utter shock he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him!
I will never forget the date: May 21st!
Now we are planning a wedding and Sohail is moving to Minnesota next summer. I never would have thought my life could have gone in this direction. I truly thought for many years that I would never find someone to spend my life with, but life always seems to surprise us, doesn’t it!
I no longer really remember those horrible nights I spent crying in my first marriage. Now when my Dad calls to ask how I am doing I can answer him truly that I have never been happier. I am planning a wedding and my life is moving forward. If there is one thing I could say to people out there it’s that in our darkest of situations there is always some light. There is always an opportunity to grow and good things are coming. What may feel like the end is never really the end. I hope my story might shed some hope on someone out there going through something similar.
This story is submitted by Natasha Chugtai