Dilemmas of a brown girl

Brown Girl: My friends are going on a Pakistan tour. Can I go with them?
Brown Parents: No, not now. You can go after you get married.
Brown Girl: I have an amazing work opportunity in Dubai (or anywhere outside their residential city); I am thinking of pursuing it.
Brown Parents: No, not now. You can go after you get married.
Brown Girl: My friends are planning a night stay and party for another soon-to-be married friend. Can I go?

Brown Parents: No, not now. You can go after you get married.

For most brown girls, life, fun and adventure start after marriage (at least that’s what they are told all their lives.)

‘Wait until you get married and then you can do whatever you want’.

I assume from this statement of most parents that once you step outside our territory, you are no longer our responsibility and then whatever you do, is between you and your husband. So apparently, the happiness of our children (daughters in this case) doesn’t really matter but societal norms, so called izzat and ‘log kya kaheinge’ (what will people say) matters more.

Sadly, these girls never know what kind of household they will be entering later and how their husbands will turn out. And if they are fortunate enough to have an amazing husband, they still have tons of responsibilities to no longer be able to enjoy the freedom, fun and adventure that they wanted to do with their friends or on their own.

Have you ever wondered why most women of our society look forward to get married since their childhood? “Beta bare ho k kya banogi?”

“DULHAAN” (Dear, what do you want to be when you grow up? BRIDE).

This is because they are taught that freedom is gained through marriage!

What are we teaching our girls? Are we not teaching them that marriage is the ultimate answer to all their vacations, night stays, parties, dream jobs and what not?

The saddest reality is that even the most independent women of our society are first governed by their parents’ rules (specifically rules made by fathers) and then when they get married, they are to live by the rules made by their husbands. A girl in our society is handed over from one man to another. They are always someone’s daughter, someone’s sister and someone’s wife but they are never considered an independent entity who should also live for herself.

I am not saying that parents don’t love us or are concern about our safety, but I definitely want to state that parents usually fail to understand the generation gap; they take care of our physical needs and nourishment but they fail to understand and fulfill our emotional needs and wants.

This is a call for all mothers and girls who are about to get married: please never let your children go through what you have been through and been deprived of. Make sure to have a friendly relationship with your kids instead of an ownership. It’s important that you are your child’s first best friend, the go-to person with whom they can share anything without feeling scared or judged because at the end of the day the relationship between the parents and their children matter more than the societal laws. So, don’t distance your kids and create resentment in them just because ‘logo ko kya jawab deinge’ (how will I be answerable to society).

This post is written by Fatima Akhlaq

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