Confessions of an ex tomboy

If I had just one chance to turn back time, I would go further than you can imagine. I would go to conception and request for me to be a boy rather than a girl because no matter how far I go, I will always be a female.

Do you see how you make me question my own existence? How you make me feel that being born female is perhaps a speed bump in the road to be extra ordinary?

I am a female, fighting for what she wants, fighting for what she dreams of, fighting against society’s norms, fighting against stereotypes, fighting against a role supposedly decided by men and adhered to by women, fighting for attention towards my capability to be an intellectual rather than the way I look, I am so much more than just meat on a stick, fighting for recognition, fighting for acknowledgement, fighting for what I believe is right.

Fighting constantly to be so much more than a reproductive machine. Fighting to be more than a leisure to some. Fighting to be heard, to be read, to be seen for more than just my skin. That if I’m in the public eye it doesn’t make me accessible to the public.

Is this it then? Am I only born to fight? With not only men but women also? Am I to consistently justify my existence? Is it wrong that I have dreams which may go well beyond the norms of society. That perhaps I do not identify with any of you. Is it possible that I’m too girly to act like a guy and think too much like a guy to be completely girly?

Am I to then just stand and watch as you begin a countdown to my downfall with your words and stares, with your gossips and hushed whispers. Am I to stand and witness as I decay and become just another brick in your empire?

I can’t, I won’t and if the punishment to not follow your norms means isolation then I’m ready to atone for the sin of being born a girl with a mind and a spine. Maybe what society expects is a doll who they can play dollhouse with but I am no doll. I am surrounded by vultures who await my descent but mind you, I did not fight so long and so hard to disappear now.

So ask me again, who am I? I am a female in a man’s world who is bound to prove that being female is not a handicap. That females today can truly aspire to be anything. That I do not need to BE MALE and make dormant my identity of a FEMALE.

So go ahead, play your mind games. I promise you that it is I, who will have the last laugh.

This article is written by Qudsia Pervez.

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